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Breaking News
Wikiality.com is dedicated to bringing news to the internets tubes. We like our news fresh and truthy, which is why we have introduced this page dedicated to bringing the most fresh and truthy news to all the tubes of the internets! See Also: :Daily Poll News Photos Bear Watchers Abomination Watch Breaking News Archive Al Gore's Climate Change Keeps Stephen Colbert From Arriving At Airport Ceremony Dr. Colbert unable to participate in pre-boarding pre-virgin screenings. John F(an of Virgins) Kennedy International Airport, NEW YORK, August 8, 2007-- Scores of American Virgins were deeply saddened and disappointed at the absence of Stephen Colbert at the christening of the plane that was to bear his name earlier this morning. Virgin America, a new airline owned by renowned bearded virgin Richard Branson, was to have its inaugural flight across America depart from New York to San Francisco, a city known for its scores of unmarried (and therefore virginal) men. Aviation officials cite the phenomenally bad weather for the absence of Colbert and other virginity experts from the celebration. When asked to speculate, FAA Deputy Director and 46 year-old virgin Leslie Hopley replied, "It's pretty obvious - Al Gore is using his new Climate Changing Device in a vain attempt to defeat Stephen Colbert. I'd be upset too if I was a virginal-presidential-race-loser and not invited to such a clean and wholesome American event." Thirty-nine year old comic book store owner Roger Geddings of Port Washington, NY was especially emotional over missing Colbert. "It was bad enough I had to wait an extra month for the first issue of Tek Jansen to come out - now this. I was really looking forward to having my virginity confirmed by Dr. Colbert. I guess I'll have to wait a while for that as well. THANKS A LOT, MR. GORE" U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security and 53-year old Jewish virgin Michael Chertoff was reluctant to raise the terror alert following nearly-credible reports of Al Gore's weather machine, but immediately changed it to HIGH (that's orange, right?) after hearing about rumors over Barrack Obama's recently acquired army of atomic monster lizards. Al Gore strikes again with his weather machine. Where's The Flash when you need him? ### City Of Montreal Revealed To Be Skank - Boston Scared Into Using Condoms Buffalo denies giving Montreal "The Clap." Idle gossip from That Cold Fish Down The Street, August 7, 2007-- According to cities hanging outside the Public Health Clinic at the mall, Montreal was seen leaving, crying and distraught over the news of her flare-up of gonorrhea. At present, it is unclear who gave her the STD. Some municipalities suggest that Detroit gave it to her during spring break, other sources claim that St. Louis shared it with her behind the Burger King next to the Wal-Mart. When asked to comment, Montreal's sister Harrisburg rolled her eyes and chuckled. "No surprise there. She fancies the bad boys, like the other day I caught her coming out of the linen closet with Seattle. I mean, ewww! That guy doesn't even bathe! At one time people would recognize me as the capital of Pennsylvania - now, it's all 'hey, isn't that the French-Canadian slut's sister? Whatever!" A visibly disturbed Pittsburgh took a break from scratching his crotch to offer an opinion. "That Montreal? Oh yeah, she knows how to have fun. And I mean FUN. You know what I mean? Now if you excuse me, I need to get this prescription filled." Public health officials are asking that anyone that has had intimate contact with Montreal immediately be tested for STDs. The question remains: Who's been $#@!ing all these cities? ### Fred Thompson Program To Help The Environment! Presidential Almost-Candidate, Fred Thompson unveiled his personal contribution to helping America's Planet avoid the myth of global warming. McLEAN, VIRGINIA, August 6, 2007--Even though he hasn't officially declared his candidacy, Fred Thompson released a statement today describing his environmental-friendly plan for the well-being of the environment. The note said, in part, that Mr. Thompson has repackaged his daily routine as environmentally conscious to coincide with new scientific evidence showing that the amount of fuel it takes to drive a car to the store and back is actually less than the amount it takes to grow the food a person would need to walk to the store and back. A spokesman for the not yet declared candidate has informed Wikiality.com that Mr. Thompson will hold a press conference from his bedroom, just as soon as he wakes up. ### Another Bountiful Harvest In Afghanistan! The flowers are blooming again in Afghanistan! And just in time for the September surge! Kabul, Afghanistan, August 4, 2007--Jorge Ahmed Hussein Nangarhar watches as his father gathers another bushel full of the crop his family has harvested for generations on this hillside outside Kabul, Afghanistan. His family has been growing poppies long before the British came and went, the Soviets came and went and the Taliban came and went and came back. But this time, with or without an embargo, with or without leaflets from the sky promising cash or salvation if only they would grow something else, the Nangarhar family is determined to grow the crops of their choice on their ancestral land. "One day, I will greet the man for whom I was named with these beautiful flowers," young Jorge cries out waving his arm stumps in glee. Tradtition Afghanistan's farmers have always been self-sufficient and farming is really all they have ever known. It is hard work, but the poeple are proud and their work ethic is obvious in the children who join their parents in the fields. "We work fast," 5-year-old Mohammed al-Unocal Pashtun tells us, stopping long enough to show off his callouses, "and when we have hands, they are tiny and help us collect the harvest carefully." As Mohammed describes his work, a group gathers at the edge of the field pointing and whispering. Mohammed, it seems is considered somewhat of a freak: both his parents are alive and he has both his hands. This has created resentment among his peers as he is the only child with such luxuries. "Mohammed is lazy," an armless pregnant girl named Condoleezza Ghazn al-Cheney Badakhshan informs the Wikiality.com reporter, "he has no children, no wives and he has arms. His arms show how little he works." Surviving in the Global Market Afghanistan is unique among its neighbors. It is a barren hellscape like the rest of the stans, but it has few natural resources. Although the caves are filled with shiny, colorful stones, American businessmen have determined they are actually rhinestones and purchased the rights to them from the locals for a herd of goats that died within days from mad cow. Aside from the rocks and dirt, nothing grows in Afghanistan except poppies. Beautiful, beautiful poppies. And it is this crop American businessmen are able to sell in the world market on behalf of their backward Afghani brothers. Before the Taliban was able to broker a deal with The Greatest Administration Ever, Afghanistan averaged only a 85% market share. Now that American businessmen are helping the indigenous farmers, they regularly hit 90% and above market share, hitting 95% in the first two quarters of 2007 alone. When the financial news finally made its way back to this remote area, the air was filled with firecracker-like AK-47 gunshots that often follow good news. An Amazing Comeback Once one of the poorest nations on America's Planet, Afghanistan is now enjoying a boom in the poppy business. Their market share has translated into untold profits for the corporate owners and the farmers couldn't be happier. "I am patiently awaiting the "Rooster's Egg" promised to me by the Americans," said Jorge's father, Halliburthani al-Massoud, "I have spent many a day tending the fields and many nights hunting snipe anticipating a return on my investment!" He smiled and turned back to the field as a small explosion went off near-by. Sounds like someone is celebrating early! ### America's Infrastructure Is Fine Just before heading off to the Western White House, The Greatest President Ever declared America's infrastructure safe and sound. WASHINGTON, D.C., August 3, 2007--During his final press conference of the month, The Greatest President Ever informed the press corp to tell America how safe everything is: "America is safe, but not from terrorists. America's bridges are safe, the underground pipes are safe, the ports and train stations are safe. But, the border and phones and emails are not safe. We have to do what we can to fight the terrorists and their supporters. But not on bridges, because those are safe. God Bless America. Now, watch this vacation!" ### Penguins Are Evolving! A new breed of penguins are showing up on the beaches of South America. MONTEVIDEO, URUGUAY, July 27, 2007--People on the Atlantic coast of Uruguay have reported penguins washing ashore covered in oil. "This can only mean one thing, a new species of penguin (dubbed the Slick) has been discovered" renown creationist and noted biological scientist, Kent Hovind informed the press with a wink, "either that or they're 'evolving'! (laughter)" Mr. Hovind called the press conference to discuss this finding to relay the official word, "there really is no other explanation, certainly not one that puts our Petrochemical masters in a bad light." The Magellanic penguins (Spheniscus magellanicus) are an endangered species believed to number no more than a few hundred in the wild and some scientists believe this is a sign from God, "It is His way of removing them from His planet," an unnamed official in The Greatest Administration Ever read to Wikiality.com over the phone from a prepared statement, "Obviously, we cannot and should not interfere. Bless His Holy Name!" Al Gore somehow got Wikiality.com's fax number and sent a rambling emotional polemic certain that there had to be an oil spill somewhere in the vicinity and that possibility should be investigated. But he was not able to reply to our question to him about why something so important didn't get in the news. Explain that Mr. pengiuns-covered-in-oil-means-oil-has-been-spilled-even-though-FOX-never-mentioned-it. In other news, Shell Oil and British Petroleum have sent researchers to Uruguay to follow a lead that a new oil reserve has been discovered. ### The Greatest Administration Ever Subpoenas Michael Moore SMOKESCREEN, TEXAS, July 27, 2007--After careful deliberation, The Greatest Administration Ever sent a subpoena to documentary liberal filmmaker, Michael Moore to inquire about his trip to the communist island of Cuba. "That will show 'em!" an unnamed administration official told Wikiality.com asking that his identity not be revealed, "Let's see how much those people can remember when they get asked questions under lights and stuff." The administration has prided itself on upholding the law in every case in every jurisdiction in every courtroom in America. Their record against terrorists has been stellar with a 5,000% conviction rate, catching the majority of the terrorists before they strike. When asked to comment, Mr. Moore mumbled something about "pre-trial discovery" and how he can question anyone he wants including the very members of the administration who subpoenaed him. "And they have to comply," Moore shouted as he laughed to his bank where he withdrew an undisclosed amount of cash to throw at his lawyers. ### Bush Polyps Prompt Official Recognition of Cheney Presidency Washington, D.C., July 21-- As The Greatest President Ever underwent surgery to have several polyps removed from his colon, The Greatest Vice President Ever briefly became the Greatest President For Two Hours - ''Ever. While President, Cheney proceeded to perform his usual duties, sources close to the former President tell Wikiality.com. "Well, I suppose it might have been a ''bit out of the ordinary, but everybody knows 'President' is just an honorary title anyway. I mean, VP is where all the real work is done. Heck, being President would practically be a vacation for Dick." Added a Presidential aide (speaking on condition of anonymity), "If Cheney were to become President - and I'm only saying 'if' - that would not - not - indicate any admission on behalf of the President - or Vice President, as the case may be - that he is, was, or ever had been, a member of the Executive Branch of the United States Government." President Cheney relinquished his nominal promotion with President Bush's return to power upon recovery from the effects of anesthesia. "Where've I been, Dick," the President mumbled as he staggered back into the Oval Office, veto stamp in hand. "You've been to the hospital," Former President Cheney yelled at the confused newly re-empowered leader of the free world. Cheney then proceeded to mumble something that sounded like "idiot man child" as he hurried off to his undisclosed location. ### Heaven Reports Mascara Shortage Heaven, July 23-- Following the recent Calling Home of Holy Super Diva Tammy Faye Bakker Messner, sources in the Heavenly cosmetics industry are reporting a shortage in supplies of several lines of eye makeup products. "Oh, yeah," says Archangel Lurleen, "We're almost totally outta powder blue eyeshadow. Been selling like hotcakes ever since Tammy Faye arrived. You know, she always was a trend setter. And the pencils! Oh my gawd. Can't keep em in stock. Course, you know, just between you, me, and St. Anne, Tammy Faye don't use no pencils herself - got tattooed eyebrows, can you believe it! And she always goes for the liquid eyeliners. But don't tell no one, 'kay, honey? Cuz, I mean, my commissions are gonna be through the clouds this month. Cheez oh Pete! You wanna talk about some Rapture?? Ca-ching!" But it's not all grace notes in The Great By and By, as Tammy Faye's arrival has also set off a trend that doesn't thrill all Heavenly Residents. "The weepers," complains a curmudgeonly Cherub who agreed to be interviewed only on condition of anonymity. "Oi vey. Everywhere you go these days, with the wailing and the sobbing. And the mascara, it gets everywhere! This is Heaven, ladies. Think for a second before you put that stuff on, why don't you? With the white robes, and the clouds, and the roads made of white marble and mother of pearl? The next time you drip that stuff, eh? Just think about that." Meanwhile, here on Earth, the departure of Mrs. Bakker Messner still reverberates amongst her bereaved friends and relatives. Her loss will be felt for a long time, especially amongst her devoted fans and look-alikes in the LBGT community. ### Joseph Wilson's Wife Reveals Ending of Final Harry Potter Book After having a non-activist judge throw out her civil suit against members of The Greatest Administration Ever, Joseph Wilson's Wife retaliates by ruining the ending of a popular children's book. WASHINGTON, D.C., July 19, 2007--Using friends deep within the liberal media cabal, Joseph Wilson's Wife published classified details about the most anticipated book since The Reagan Diaries, consequently destroying the lives of thousands of occultist children. "For someone who claimed to have worked for the CIA," an unnamed official from The Greatest Administration Ever told Wikiality.com, "you would think she could keep secrets better than that!" "I couldn't stop her," George Soros cried to Alan Colmes, "I offered her the same amount of money Cindy Sheehan accepted to stalk The Greatest President Ever, but she just told me to go "eff" myself!" The Book At The Center of The Controversy! The final book in the Harry Potter series, called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, was scheduled to be released on July 21, 2007. Until Joseph Wilson's Wife disclosure today, the ending had been kept a secret by every media outlet. Which was contrary to the liberal's agenda of not thinking of the children. Joseph Wilson's Wife however, made no such promise. She didn't think of the children, and she she didn't follow Satan's Handmaiden's call to jihad (keep the contents of the book a secret ensuring more people will fall into her coven). If only Joseph Wilson's Wife had a work record showing whether or not she could be trusted with information of such great import, this could have been avoided. Her neighbors on the other hand, had plenty to say about how easy Joseph Wilson's Wife was when she dipped into the Wilson's ample liquor cabinet. "Joseph Wilson's Wife was always spreading gossip about members of the PTA," Wikiality.com learned from an unnamed neighbor of the Wilsons, "somehow she was able to gather data from conversations she was not involved in, even after we went to elaborate lengths to set her up. To this day, we have no idea how she found out about her surprise birthday party; we used to joke that she bugged our phones!" The presiding and unbiased judge, John D. Bates was shaken upon hearing the news. "I blame myself for all of this," he said between sobs, "my grandchildren will not speak to me. They blame me for ruining the ending." How did Joseph Wilson's Wife Find Out The Ending Investigators are not saying how Joseph Wilson's Wife found out about the ending, but insiders have told Wikiality.com that Robert Novak may have been involved: "Leaks are part and parcel of the business of Washington," said Wikiality.com's secret spy, code named Douchebag of Liberty, "but some secrets should never be revealed due to how integral to national security they are. This is far worse than revealing the name of a covert CIA operative. This is treason." When asked for her take on to why Joseph Wilson's Wife would hurt America's children, Nancy Pelosi tried to change the subject to Karl Rove and something about the CIA. But our intrepid Wikiality.com reporter insisted Pelosi answer the question only to be rewarded with a short meeting between Pelosi's bifurcated tail and his face and the haunting memory of her hooves clicking all the way down the hallowed marble hallways of Congress. ### Website To Sue Comedy Central For Stealing Idea The foremost website in truthyisms, Wikiality.com has filed papers to sue Comedy Central and the producers of "Lil Bush" for stealing the idea for their show. Wikiality.com Home Office in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, July 18, 2007--After reviewing more episodes than they ever wanted to, the legal team representing Wikiality.com has sued "whoever is responsible" for infringing on the GNU U.S. Copyright-protected material™ found on the page Religious Babies and all associated articles (e.g. The Baby Jesus, The Baby Satan, The Baby Xenu, et al.) Wikiality.com contends that the writers and creators of "Lil Bush" derived the idea for their program from the website's adoration of The Baby Jesus. In factiness, the website has filed many lawsuits regarding their copyrighted property of The Baby Jesus. In addition to challenging all unlicensed uses of the Religious Babies franchise, Wikiality.com will file any infringements on their page The. Please check back often, as this story will be updated with the latest in intellectual property protections. ### Not Gay Florida Representative Arrested For Total Misunderstanding That Was Not An Offer Of Gay Sex Bob Allen (R-Merritt Island), a Florida state representative and the co-chairman of Senator John McCain’s Florida campaign, was arrested on Wednesday afternoon, July 11th, 2007, at a local park in Titusville after the Devil forced him to offer to perform a sex act on an undercover officer in exchange for $20, police said. Allen told a television reporter that what happened was a "misunderstanding." What happened was that Allen really needed to pee, and offered the officer $20 dollars to 'blow out of there for me.' A statement the officer completely misheard. ### Supreme Court Cuts Off Funding for University Research After a scathing study, Washington University in St. Louis finds its federal funding cut off. ST. LOUIS, FLYOVER AMERICA, July 11, 2007--The United States Supreme Court, whose 2007 term is about to come to a very productive and fruitful close, has decided to take a look at one more ruling before going on their regular 4-month vacation. Breaking with tradition, this court has chosen to rule not on a case that has made its way through the appeals system, but on a scientific study reported on today conducted by Washington University in St. Louis even before it got a chance to offend anyone. The study was conducted by a tenured factonista and a younger colleague, presumably his intern, who wasted precious praying time on studying the brains of old people. During a hastily called press conference, John Paul Steven was asked to explain why they decided to focus on this particular study, the aide holding Mr. Steven's ear horn, rolled him toward the microphone: "I would like to know who put a whoopie cushion on my bench!? And who let all you people in here, eh? Get off my damn lawn!" Mr. Stevens proceeded to throw his teeth at reporters as he was rolled back to the Supreme Court day room. After a lunch of Fancy Feast Grilled Seafood Feast in Gravy, Ensure and Vaxa-Smacks, the court ruled 5-4 against the study. ### Bush Commutes Sara Taylor's Sentence After one solid day of heated testimony, The Greatest President Ever spared Miss Taylor from further questioning. WASHINGTON, D.C., July 11, 2007--Senate Judiciary Committee chairman, Patrick Leahy had called for the meeting to begin at 10 a.m. sharp, but there was a problem. As per Nancy Pelosi's 2007 directives for Congress, every congressional hearing must begin with a laser light show, a live band of at least 14 (a horn section and choir included), dancers and a fog machine. But, according to insiders, Mr. Leahy will not allow hearings to be held without obeying Pelosi's exact commands. "One of the dancers twisted her ankle, and Supreme Committee Chair Leahy will not allow hearings to begin unless all performers are ready," an intern told Wikiality.com on condition her identity not be disclosed, "The last time this happened, Tom Coburn volunteered to take the cage girl's place and Kennedy practically blew a gasket. Please don't tell Supreme Committee Chair Leahy, he doesn't like leakers." The hearing did finally begin, when a stunning Eleanor Holmes Norton stepped in to help her fellow communist out of a difficult situation, even bringing her own tassles. However, just as Miss Taylor rose to take the oath, Alberto Gonzales ran into the hearing room, announcing that The Greatest President Ever had intervened on Miss Taylor's behalf in effect ending the hearing indefinitely. As the fog cleared from the room, the feathers were swept away and Mr. Coburn was helped down from his cage, America can rest assured that no terrorist was helped on this day. And justice was done. ### ***CORRECTION*** A story in the latest edition of Wikiality.com News, asserted that Sara Taylor had received a commutation to end the show trial that trapped America in the grasp of the liberal media. It was not Sara Taylor, but Harriet Miers who received the grace from The Greatest President Ever. The writer, the internets typist and everyone involved in the story have been given time off to move to their new home in Gitmo. Wikiality.com has now washed our hands of the whole sordid affair and ask that we all put it behind us and move forward. God Bless America! ### Democratic Entrapment Plan Ensnares Republican Senator WASHINGTON, July 9, 2007 - Senator David Vitter, R-La., apologized Monday night for "a very serious sin in my past" after his telephone number appeared among those associated with an escort service operated by the so-called "D.C. Madam." "This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible. Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there — with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way." Unlike former President Bill Clinton, Vitter's family and God have forgiven him, just as all true Americans will. Vitter received a series of deep tissue massages that were in no way sexual. Vitter and his wife, Wendy, live in Metairie, La., with their four children. It is unknown if he will leave the Senate to spend more time with them. In 2000, Vitter was included in a Newhouse News Service story about the strain of congressional careers on families. His wife was asked by the Newhouse reporter: If her husband was as unfaithful as Livingston or former President Bill Clinton, would she be as forgiving as Hillary Clinton? “I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary,” Wendy Vitter told Newhouse News. “If he does something like that, I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me.”" It is unknown if Vitter's penile reattachment surgery was successful. UPDATE: July 12, 2007 Dastardy pornographer Larry Flynt released the phone record that led to Vitter's admission that he'd been a customer of Pamela Martin & Associates, the escort deep tissue massage service run by Deborah Jeane Palfrey on July 12, 2007. During his press conference, Flynt said that he'd outed Vitter -- and would be outing others, because of his hypocrisy; or as he put it: "I'm not exposing anyone's sex life, I'm only exposing hypocrisy." Vitter's phone number appeared at least five times in the billing records of Palfrey's business, the first just four months after he was sworn in to the U.S. House in 1999 and the last on Mardi Gras of 2001. UPDATE 2: July 12, 2007 Sources indicate that Senator Vitter may like to wear a diaper while receiving deep tissue massages. ### ---- Breaking News Archive